If You Want to get Off the Boat You Need to Become Pregnant

I was kind of hesitating to go this avenue, but what the heck. A friend of mine suggested I try the Salvation Army for help. Besides, it's the holiday season and long ago I spent one afternoon as a bell ringer. And, to use the corny worn-out phrase that all parents use at one time or another, that was up north in the cold outdoors in a blinding snowstorm ... yep, it really was.

So I called the local office, but the whole conversation lasted less than 45 seconds. I barely got past stating my name and a brief overview of my situation, and the man (he did not even give his name) asked me if I was pregnant or if I had children under 18. Uhm dude, those questions do not usually pop up after at least the third date! I answered no to both of course and he said that they could not help me then.

He then told me to go to Department of Social Services and surely I could get help and health care there. Nope I said, same deal: they only give life preservers to pregnant women and children, everyone else is left to swim, or sink with the boat. Of course I did not put it that way. But now I am starting to understand why pregnancy is so appealing to some.

The Underwear Fairy

“Now, why did you not tell me you needed new underwear and conditioner?” My friend berates me in her email. “I found out you been washing your hair with hotel shampoo and that it’s falling out. You know I would have sent you some.” 

“Well, think of it, would you ask someone you never met except for online ask for those kinds of things?” Plus, I was thinking to myself, it’s embarrassing enough to admit to oneself, much less someone else, that you can’t buy those things. Sure, a plain bar of soap can keep you clean enough to not offend anyone with smell, but it won’t exactly make you feel pretty or good about yourself.

Now, I knew how she found out about the hair, but the underwear? How did she know? Oh yeah, I had made a comment on Facebook in regards to a discussion on Christmas presents how as a child I did not appreciate getting socks and underwear, but now would. That must have been it.

I wish I could say that emailing back and forth about underwear sizes and colors was the most undignified thing that’s ever happened to me, but nope, it’s not. Well, now you know why my blog is named the way it is.

Sorry, YOU Don't Qualify (If I can ever afford a tombstone, these words will go on it.)

Wow, after almost three months I finally got through and got an answer. Who and what? Well, since you asked.

I was directed to Catholic Charities by a friend a couple of months ago to see if they could assist me get out of the never-ending cycle of not being able to earn enough money because of the health issue to make a living. I went to their local website to look for instructions on how to apply. The instructions specified to send an email and they also listed a phone number. I called the phone number during regular business hours and got a recorded message, so sent an email instead.

I received a phone call in response to said email and after stating my situation, the lady told me I had to call the intake number, but they were only taking calls twice a week for an hour and a half each day. That is what I did and after literally pressing the re-dial button thousands of times over a three months period, I was so surprised to hear a ringing sound and a voice at the other end, that I almost hung up by mistake.

"How can we help you?"

"I am inquiring about assistance because I can't work outside of the home because of illness. I have to pay my lodging bill next week, but do not have enough for that. I also need some time of health care."

"Do you have any past due bills?"

"Mhm, I have old hospital and doctor bills. But, that's not what I was calling about. I live in an extended stay hotel so I have to pay ahead of time. But, if I don't make the payment, I will be homeless because, unlike rent or mortgage, you can't negotiate a later date."

"Why do you live in a hotel, isn't that expensive?"

"Yes. But I can't qualify for an apartment, even though they are cheaper, because you need to have a job and make three times more than what the rent is. I tried explaining that I now pay a higher rate, so if I am able to pay that I can pay for a cheaper apartment, but that did not work. They say they have to abide by guidelines."

"If you do not have a job, how are you paying your bill?"

"I am using what I had saved up when I was still getting unemployment."

"I am sorry, but we cannot help with this. We can only help with past due bills, like for utilities. If you become homeless, you can call back."

"So, if I can't pay my bill next week and become homeless, what number do I call?"

"The same one."

"Uhm, it took me 3 months to get through."

"I apologize for that inconvenience. But, the need is very high lately and we have very limited funding. Have you tried calling the United Way or gone to the Department of Social Services?"

"The Department of Social Services only provides cash and medical assistance for pregnant women and families with children under 18. United Way has referred me to several agencies, but the agencies, when I called them, told me I do not qualify for their programs."

"Well, I am sorry, but good luck to you."

"Thank you."

There is a whole lot more I want to say, but there is no need tying up the line for someone they can really help.

I Am Now a 99er

It's not a mile stone to be proud of. For those of you who do not know, a 99er is a person who has exhausted all 99 weeks of unemployment benefits. It's really hitting home now, there is no more safety net left. I had hoped to heal before that money ran out, but there are no changes in my health. Looks like whatever I have is here to stay. I suppose it's time to bite the bullet and make that dreaded call to the Department of Social Services. Manana.